Being single

People who are single-at-heart are not single because they have not found The One, because they are unlucky in love, or because they have issues. They are single because single suits them. It is who they really are.

So many of the assumptions about single people come from the perspective of people who are coupled or who want to be coupled and think that is what life should be, they often say, we are not built to be alone.

Who said that???

Chely Wright Quoted, Human beings are not designed to be alone. None of God’s creatures are.

God apparently said, Genesis 2:18 tells us, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. ‘”

But these were said by people who could not be alone.

We need a whole new mindset that sees single life from the perspective of people who want to embrace their single lives, whether for now or for life.

When we think about single life in the usual way, from the perspective of people who just assume that everyone wants to couple up and that coupled life is superior to the single life, then we end up with stories about those poor single people and their lesser lives. 

When we instead consider what is great about being single from the perspective of single people who like being single and back our stories with scientific research, then we have a new and empowering way of thinking about single life.

Single people, especially those who live alone, are the captains of their own ships. In their everyday lives, within the limits of their resources and opportunities, they get to arrange everything as they like it.

 That includes things like deciding what to eat, when to sleep, whether to exercise and eat right or just watch Netflix and chill without getting the side-eye from anyone else.

That’s just the small stuff. In deeper and more meaningful ways, too, people who love being single use their freedom to do what really matters to them. 

That could mean pursuing passions, leaving a lucrative position to have a life that is more fulfilling, or being there for the people who mean the most to them when they are most in need.

If you value these things more, then be single as there is not enough time in a day for everything and everyone.

Valuing freedom is sometimes dismissed as crass and selfish. But that’s not what the research shows. 

Analyses of data from more than 200,000 people from 31 European nations showed that people who embrace values such as freedom, creativity, and trying new things are happier. That’s true for people who are married and people who aren’t. 

But single people get even more happiness out of their valuing of freedom than married people do.

From the perspective of people who are coupled or who want to be, single people are “alone” and “unattached,” and they “don’t have anyone.” 

Piles of research stand in utter defiance of those stereotypes. Typically, single people are more connected to more different kinds of people. They do more to stay in touch and to be there for the people in their lives. People who move in with a romantic partner or who marry tend to become more insular, research shows.

I like to say that coupled people have “The One,” while single people have “the ones.” I think it is even better than that. We have our freedom, and that means we can value as many different people as we like—or as few. 

Some single people don’t want big social networks or circles of friends. 

What’s great about being single is that you can curate the kind of life that works best for you.

We get to value and prioritise the people we care about.

From the perspective of people who are coupled or who want to be, a romantic partner is the most important adult in your life, someone who should be valued above all others. That way of thinking is called amatonormativity, and single people who like being single just don’t buy it. 

If we want to value our friends, relatives, mentors, or anyone else who matters to us, then we do. And I mean deeply value, not just have in our lives in some casual way, though that’s fine, too. And don’t try to tell us that single people cannot be securely attached; research has demolished that assumption, too.

Loving the time we have to ourselves is the superpower of people who are single at heart. We are rarely lonely when we are alone. It is hard to frighten us by saying that we are going to end up spending a lot of time alone, because that would be the hardest part to give ip one day when we are not.

Being alone or not, being in a relationship or not has nothing to do with happiness in itself.

Happiness comes from what you want, love and and do.

People who choose to be single are not taking the easy way out. Our lives are not celebrated the way coupled people’s lives are, and in the U.S., we are locked out of a whole mountain of benefits and protections given only to people who are legally married. Some people who might like to live single, in some places, face even more formidable obstacles. But by living single when we can, we are living authentically. The rewards of living authentically may not be material, but they are meaningful and life-enhancing.

Bella DePaulo Ph.D.

In one of the very rare studies in which people’s preferences were taken into account, more than 15,000 people in China, 65 and older, were asked how they wanted to live. Their preferences were compared to their actual living arrangements. The results were clear. People who were living the way they wanted to live, whether that was alone or with other people, were most likely to report that their health was good.

Among those who were especially likely to be living the way they wanted to be living were the elders who were not married. The married people, the researchers found, “tend to like living with their spouse only but end up living with children instead.”

The Supposed Risks of Living Alone Are Not Always Unique to Those Who Live Alone

All of the people living alone who were interviewed for the Times article seemed to like living alone. Yet their comfort with their living arrangements was always presented as a qualified comfort. 

For example, Jay said that solo living suits his creative interests and his independence, but we are told that “he worries about who will take care of him as he gets older.”

It is a legitimate concern, particularly in places such as the U.S. where the healthcare system seems built for people with spouses or adult children who are available to help them. But it is not just single people, or people living alone, who are at risk. 

Consider, for example, the fate of older married couples when one of them has dementia or some other debilitating disease. The other spouse no longer has their partner to care for them; instead, they are now in the caretaker role, and that care will never be reciprocated. 

The ill person is also at risk and not just because of their illness; sometimes when one person in a couple becomes seriously ill, the other flees.

There is evidence that when people marry, they often become more insular. Single people, in contrast, are more likely to maintain their ties with friends, relatives, neighbours, and colleagues. The people who got married and then marginalised many of the other people in their lives (and not all people who marry do this) may be most at risk in later life.

In Stoicism the concept of autarky represents independence from anything external, including independence from personal relationships, so as to immune one from vagaries of fortune. The Stoic sage is autarkic by being dependent only on his own virtue.

In Epicureanism the concept of autarky represents having the fewest possible requirements for living a life of pleasure, free of pain (aponia).

Then there is no one to blame…

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. 

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. 

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. 

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it. 

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

And nothing to lose

“‘A desperate man can achieve great things,’ his master pressed in a quiet voice. ‘A man with nothing to lose will walk farther, climb higher, risk everything – including his own life – to find the prize that will bring him redemption.