To show up is to be seen, to be noticed, and do deals. 

To cultivate a strong presence that has sway over others, understand what motivates the people you seek to impact.

When people discuss the importance of making a good first impression, they’re acknowledging humanity’s profound predisposition to judgement, and their innate vulnerability to being judged. 

The way you present yourself to the rest of the word, your ways of being provide context for how others perceive and engage with you. 

How you show up and establish a presence is what will determine you fitting in, your likability. 

The connections you will make in these circles will eventually determine your influence and power.

Appearance is everything…

Said the great king of France, King Louis IV.

There are two direct meanings with this statement: 

• Appearance, as in the way you look, dress and behave, that which other people directly see, and 

• Keeping up appearances, the state, condition, manner, or style in which to create an illusion of something that would influence perception.

As an example of how this works consider the following:

To accommodate his retinue of newly devoted nobles, King Louis IV built several lavish châteaux. Most famously, he transformed a royal hunting lodge in Versailles, a village 25 miles southwest of the capital, into one of the largest palaces in the world, officially moving his court and government there in 1682. 

With enough room to house the whole court, the Palace and its surrounding buildings rapidly became symbols of an age when the nobility were prepared to go to any lengths to be close to the King, who respected the royal tradition whereby the monarch had to be accessible to his courtiers. 

It was against this awe-inspiring backdrop that Louis tamed the nobility and impressed foreign dignitaries, using lavish court fittings, a new flambiant fashion, entertainment, ceremony and a highly codified system of etiquette to assert his supremacy. 

Under the sovereign’s watchful eye, the nobility could no longer plot against the throne; the great lords were kept in their place in the army or at court, eager to serve and please the King. 

Intimidating, majestic, kept informed by an army of spies, the king controlled everything.

Mostly it was to keep up appearances, meaning to create an elaborated illusion of the extent of his power, a show of extravagance to once again, dominate or create alliances.

The Hall of Mirrors was the most potent symbol of the King’s absolute power. Because the mirrors would represent how others would see him, he used the mirrors to ensure he always looked the best of them all.

Ah yes and off course, also to show economic prosperity revealed in the number and size of the 357 mirrors bedecking the 17 arches opposite the windows, demonstrating that the new French manufacture could rival the Venetian monopoly on mirror manufacturing. 

The king’s throne was placed on a platform at the end of the hall near the Peace Room, whose arch was closed off.  In 1685 the Doge of Genoa and the ambassadors of Siam (1686), Persia (1715) and the Ottoman Empire (1742) crossed the full length of the gallery, under the scrutiny of the French Court seated to either side on tiered seating, before they reached the king.

Rarely ever, has the show of power reached such a level of ostentation for the pure sake of intimidation.

When building a personal brand these two concepts of appearances work in union, although not as elaborated as in the case of Louis IV, of course, but this is more or less how it’s been done.

It both… shows, and pretends.

It does not exaggerate, however, meaning it is not a show or pretence of empty pride and groundless ostentation, but to dress the part shown in quality rather than pommery and extravagance.

To dress up, with your own identity marks and symbolism, is never about pretending to be someone you are not, but to show respect to those who you associate with at that moment. To mimic what is valued and important to them in that social setting without selling yourself out, or short, and confidently convey who you are.

To take an analogy with the Hall of Mirrors… the one staring into the mirror, is not the same one reflecting back at the viewer.

If it is, you need to work harder on your appearance, and maybe not in the way you look, but in the way you behave to keep up appearances, meaning the illusion you need to create to fit into the class you wish to associate yourself with.

No matter what this may be, you do this by means of…

A good body frame, silhouette and posture, clothing, etiquette, customs, decorum, protocols, respect, style, panache, sensibility, refined and elevated taste… educated conversation, and manners…

This is how you would show up:

With a good body frame, silhouette, posture and style, quality clothing, well-rounded etiquette, customs, decorum, protocols, respect, panache, sensibility, refined and elevated taste… educated conversation, and respectful manners…

A dress code is a set of rules, often written, with regard to what clothing groups of people must wear. Dress codes are created out of social perceptions and norms, and vary based on purpose, circumstances, and occasions. Different societies and cultures are likely to have different dress codes, Western dress codes being a prominent example.

Dress codes are symbolic indications of different social ideas, including social class, cultural identity, attitude towards comfort, tradition, and political or religious affiliations. Dress code also allows individuals to read others’ behavior as good, or bad by the way they express themselves with their choice of apparel

Association is power

Stop trying to sell your products and services to people who have no money, or those who do not value what you have, or those who do not respect you. You waste your time.

Network only with those who you want to be associated with and do business with. 

Become socially mobile:

• Seek to associate with people more successful than you
• Get together with like-minded people only
• Avoid negative types who speak against your vision and dreams
• Keep company with people of high ethical character
• Find mentors who are wiser than you

Etiquette and protocol…

Etiquette is the set of conventional rules of personal behaviour in society, usually in the form of an ethical code that describes the expected and accepted social behaviours that accord with the conventions and norms of a certain society group, or a social class.

As a means of social management, the rules of etiquette encompass most aspects of human social interaction, thus, a rule of etiquette reflects an underlying ethical code, and can reflect a person’s fashion and social status.

Decorum is defined as the appropriate, polite and respectful behaviour according to this specific society or group as they are accustomed to, and which they expect from all those they interact with, in other words – protocol.

Sensibility is an acute perception of emotion and feelings within the group, and the ability to appreciate and respond to these complex influences, in an appropriate manner.

Taste, is the ability to discern what is of good quality or of a high aesthetic standard.

Conversation is the ability to converse widely, graciously and well, not only exhibiting intelligence, but to show finesse in sober and reasoned debate, with clarity and simplicity, to foster understanding.

Manners are all ways of behaving with reference to polite standards, charm and demeanour. 

Rituals and manners are associated with or closely bound to a person’s social status. Manners demonstrate a person’s position within a social network, and the person’s manners are a means of negotiation from that social position.

In The Healthy Citizen (1996), Alana R. Petersen and Deborah Lupton said that manners assisted the diminishment of the social boundaries that existed between the public sphere and the private sphere of a person’s life, and so gave rise to a highly reflective self, a self who monitors their behaviour with due regard for others with whom they interact socially, and that the public behaviour of individuals came to signify their social standing – a means of presenting the self and of evaluating others.

Thus the control of the outward self is vital.

People who possess social traits common to the group are trusted, and people without the common social traits are distrusted, and thus treated with suspicion. The threat of social exclusion makes people avoid personal behaviours that might embarrass the group or that might provoke rejection from the group.

Social manners are in three categories: (i) manners of hygiene, (ii) manners of courtesy, and (iii) manners of cultural norm, each category accounts for an aspect of the functional role that manners play in a society. 

Hygiene – are the manners that concern avoiding the transmission of disease, and usually are taught by the parent to the child by way of discipline. Society expects that, by adulthood, the manners for personal hygiene have become a second-nature behaviour, the violations of which shall provoke physical and moral disgust.

Courtesy – are the manners of self-control and sensible behaviour, by which a person gives priority to the interests of another person, and priority to the interests of a socio-cultural group, in order to be a trusted member of that group. 

Cultural norms – are the manners of culture and society by which a person establishes their identity and membership in a given socio-cultural group. In observing and abiding the manners of cultural norm, a person demarcates socio-cultural identity and establishes social boundaries, which then identify whom to trust and whom to distrust. Cultural norm manners are learnt through the enculturation, the gradual acquisition of the characteristics and norms of a culture or group, through ritual social exposure.

Diplomacy

Diplomacy is best described as the art of tactfully engaging with people to achieve a desired outcome or goal. 

Diplomacy is the act of recognising, understanding and respecting different cultures, decorums, protocols, and their opinions, acknowledging their point of views, making them feel at ease that their concerns had been heard, whilst trying to negotiating mutually beneficial outcomes for both parties, considering that each party or entity not only speak for themselves, but their entire country, nation and citizens, all of which to be considered in reaching favourable terms. A good diplomat knows how to influence decisions subtly and with much respect and etiquette, not only in international relations, politics and social issues, but in each area of life.

We still associate the term diplomacy with embassies, international relations and high politics, but it really refers to a set of skills that matter in many areas of daily life, especially at the office and on the landing outside the slammed doors of loved ones’ bedrooms.

Diplomacy is the art of advancing an idea or cause without unnecessarily inflaming passions or unleashing a catastrophe. It involves an understanding of the many facets of human nature that can undermine agreement and stoke conflict, and a commitment to unpicking these with foresight and grace.

The diplomat remembers, first and foremost, that some of the vehemence with which we can insist on having our way draws energy from an overall sense of not being respected or heard within a relationship. 

We will fight with particular tenacity and apparent meanness over a so-called small point when we have a sense that the other person has failed to honour our wider need for appreciation and esteem. Behind our fierce way of arguing may lie a frustrated plea for affection.

Diplomats know the intensity with which humans crave respect and so though they may not always be able to agree with us, they take the trouble to show that they have bothered to see how things look through our eyes. They recognise that it is almost as important to people to feel heard, as to win their case. We’ll put up with a lot once someone has demonstrated that they at least know how we feel. 

Diplomats therefore put extraordinary effort into securing the health of the overall relationship so that smaller points can be conceded along the way without attracting feelings of untenable humiliation. 

They know how much beneath pitched fights over money or entitlements, schedules or procedures, a demand for esteem can stir. They are careful to trade generously in emotional currency, so as not always to have to pay excessively in other, more practical denominations.

In negotiations, the diplomat is not addicted to indiscriminate or heroic truth telling. They appreciate the legitimate place that minor lies can occupy in the service of greater truths. They know that if certain local facts are emphasised, then the most important principles in a relationship may be forever undermined. 

So they will enthusiastically say that the financial report or the homemade cake were really very pleasing and will do so not to deceive but to affirm the truth of their overall attachment, which might be lost were a completely accurate account of their feelings to be laid out. 

Diplomats know that a small lie may have to be the guardian of a big truth. They appreciate their own resistance to the unvarnished facts – and privately hope that others may on occasion, over certain matters, also take the trouble to lie to them, and that they will never know.

Another trait of the diplomat is to be serene in the face of obviously bad behaviour: a sudden loss of temper, a wild accusation, a very mean remark.  They don’t take it personally – even when they may be the target of rage. They reach instinctively for reasonable explanations and have clearly in their minds the better moments of a currently frantic but essentially loveable person. 

They know themselves well enough to understand that abandonments of perspective are both hugely normal and usually indicative of nothing much beyond exhaustion or passing despair. They do not aggravate a febrile situation through self-righteousness, which is a symptom of not knowing oneself too well – and of having a very selective memory. 

The person who bangs a fist on the table or announces extravagant opinions may simply be rather worried, frightened or just very enthusiastic: conditions that should rightly invite sympathy rather than disgust.

At the same time, the diplomat understands that there are moments to sidestep direct engagement. They do not try to teach a lesson whenever it might first or most apply: they wait till it has the best chance of being heard. At points, they disarm difficult people by reacting in unexpected ways. 

In the face of a tirade, instead of going on the defensive, the diplomatic person might suggest some lunch. When a harshly unfair criticism is launched at them, they might nod in partial agreement and declare that they’ve often said such things to themselves. 

They give a lot of ground away and avoid getting cornered in arguments that distract from the deeper issues. They remember the presence of a better version of what might be a somewhat unfortunate individual currently on display.

The diplomat succeeds because they are a realist; they know we are inherently flawed, unreasonable, anxious, comically absurd creatures who scatter blame unfairly, misdiagnose their pains and react appallingly to criticism – especially when it is accurate – and yet they are hopeful too of the possibilities of progress when our disturbances have been properly factored in and cushioned with adequate reassurance, accurate interpretation and respect. 

Diplomacy seeks to teach us how many good things can still be accomplished when we make some necessary accommodations with the crooked, sometimes touching and hugely unreliable material of human nature.

Discretion

The dictionary gives two different definitions, one that applies to the art of being discreet and another that relates to having the ability to make a judgment, a choice or a responsible decision.

All of these apply in the business world, where executives may have the discretion to spend money, discretion to put their business up for sale, or the discretion not to tell the media about the company’s staffing difficulties. The importance of discretion to the reputation of a company cannot be overstated.

When people in a company or organisation are responsible for deciding when or how to perform certain tasks or aspects of the work, based on their knowledge and ability to judge, the responsibility for the decision is said to be at their discretion. 

Professional discretion means the company expects them to be able to source and evaluate the information necessary to decide on a specific course of action.

The company also expects them to be able to take the decision that they feel is the right one, which is called acting according to their discretion. 

Professional discretion examples include acting within the scope and authority of their job description, such as independently making an exception to a company return policy to satisfy a disgruntled customer.

When we apply discretion to our lives, we are able to “separate” out those words, actions, and attitudes which could have undesirable consequences. 

Just as a policeman directs traffic to run in an orderly and safe manner, discretion helps direct our words and actions to avoid accidents and situations that bring harm to ourselves and other people.

Dealing with intimidation

In high society social circles some people present as physically formidable, others are imposing because of their personality, intellect, knowledge, others are intimidating because they look like that with wealth, power, prestige, social status, or even just being incredibly charming.

Feeling intimidated typically boils down to a sense that the person you’re interacting with is more powerful than you. And so of course they are. As they have already earned their place within this circle with certain means.

So you need to manage all these interplays and interactions with grace and confidence.

According to psychologist Jessica Tracy, director of the University of British Columbia’s Emotion and Self Lab, humans show regard to powerful people they respect and admire. 

It is human instinct to follow people with higher social status which is one of the ways humans and other primates have succeeded in creating stable social structures that benefit the group as a whole.

Since people with high status have influence on social networks, their position represents a threat. 

They could ostracise you, or turn others against you if they decide they don’t like you, or they could cut you out of important group decisions, according to Joseph Marks, a Ph.D candidate in experimental psychology at University College London and the co-author of Messengers: Who We Listen To, Who We Don’t, and Why.

But if you have a strong alliance with them, the reverse is true. So you’re motivated to look for ways to win them over.

While these people may have power, talent, fame, or fortune that you don’t, none of that makes them any better, or more worthy, than you. You may only think they do. But somewhere, somehow, there is something that makes them human with a flaw or lack.

Whatever you project to others is generally what you attract back. If you feel not worthy of the circle, they will treat you as such. When you step into conversations with people from a place of high esteem, self-worth, and confidence you immediately can withstand any feelings of intimidation or egoistic displays.

Often you think you know what they think. No you don’t. Go in and ask what they think. Often you assume they are in a better position or already have enough of what you want to offer. No they may not have enough of what you have to offer.

Strong self-esteem doesn’t rely on external attributes, it comes from knowing that you’ve overcome challenges with strength, courage, and dignity, and that you have a moral compass that guides you.

But the only way to gain instant confidence to contend on their level and interact is through what you wear. Didn’t King Louis IV make this crystal clear already? But dress appropriately for the occasion.

Be Royal in Your Own Fashion

The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated: In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.

Powerful people may be tempted to affect a common-man aura, trying to create the illusion that they and their subjects or underlings are basically the same. 

But the people whom this false gesture is intended to impress will quickly see through it. They understand that they are not being given more power, that it only appears as if they shared in the powerful person’s fate.

Leaders who try to dissolve that distance through a false chumminess gradually lose the ability to inspire loyalty, fear, or love. Instead they elicit contempt, they are too uninspiring even to be worth the guillotine, the best they can do is simply vanish in the night, as if they were never there.

The Strategy of the Crown:

• Based on a simple chain of cause and effect
• If you believe you are destined for great things, your belief will radiate outward
• This outward radiance will infect the people around you
• Your limits and boundaries disappear
• You will be surprised how often it bears fruit
• Be overcome by your self-belief

Even while you know you are practicing a kind of deception on yourself. Act like a king or queen, you are likely to be treated as one.

The Difference:

• The crown may separate you from other people
• It is up to you to make that separation real
• You have to act differently, demonstrating your distance from those around you
• One way to emphasise your difference is to always act with dignity, no matter the circumstance
• Do not confuse regal bearing with arrogance, it betrays insecurity

The idea behind the assumption of regal confidence is to set yourself apart from other people, but never make the mistake of thinking that you elevate yourself by humiliating people. 

Also, it is never a good idea to loom too high above the crowd, you make an easy target. And there are times when an aristocratic pose is eminently dangerous.

Gravitas

Gravitas is the quality of seriousness, dignity, and weight that accompanies a person’s presence and actions. It is an inner poise that communicates self-assurance, wisdom, and resolve. 

Gravitas is about commanding respect and trust, not through arrogance or intimidation, but through a sense of focused composure and quiet confidence. 

It reflects a depth of character, a thoughtful approach to decision-making, and a calm awareness of the broader consequences of one’s words and actions. 

In essence, gravitas resonates when someone carries themselves in a manner that invites deference and signals their capacity to handle responsibility with integrity.

Make a good introduction

A good introduction means the same as how do you get someone to fall in love with you…

This is the central question of all marketing. While most marketers are in the business of professional flirtation, unveiling products and services in hopes of stoking arousal.

Get an introduction from someone respected and reputed.

The purpose of introducing people is to give them an opportunity to get to know each other. 

Beyond just stating names of the two parties, the person making the introduction is often obligated to establish an acquaintance and help the two parties initiate a conversation.

The basic protocol of introductions calls for introducing the ‘lesser-ranking’ (socially, professionally, by age or seniority) to the ‘higher-ranking’ person. 

• First, state the name of the person being introduced to. This is the ‘higher-ranking’ person.
• Second, say “I would like to introduce” or, “please meet” or, “this is,” 
• Third, state the name of the person being introduced. This is the ‘lower-ranking’ person.
• Finally, offer some details about each, as appropriate. 
• Add a snippet of information about a topic of common interest between the two parties. Do not elaborate. This will help them connect and pursue a conversation.

The foremost principle of etiquette for making introductions lies in understanding reverence and respect. Here are some guidelines.

• Introduce a younger person to an older person. “Grandma, please meet Alicia and Carlos, my neighbours.”
• Introduce a relatively junior professional to a senior professional. “Ms. Director, I would like to introduce Mr. Nakamura, the Chief Product Architect for our software division.”
• Introduce an employee to a customer. “Mr. Sung, I would like to introduce our plastics engineering team. This is Mark Smith, Jessica Ramos and Liang Zhu. All three participated in last week’s teleconference regarding product definition.”
• Introduce a host to a guest. “Elaine, I don’t think you have met my daughter, Anna. Anna arranged for all the food at this festival party. Anna, Elaine is my Project Manager.”
• Introduce a local guest to a guest from out-of-town. “Charlie, this is Debbie. Debbie is my colleague from work. Debbie, Charlie is visiting me from New York. We shared an apartment when we were at Columbia together.”
• Introduce a peer from your company to a peer from another organization. “Melissa, I would like you to meet Steve, our Systems Engineer. Steve, Melissa Hoffmann is from Marketing. She is our Account Manager for Wal-Mart.”

Too much circulation makes your price go down

The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. 

If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.

At the start of a relationship, you need to heighten your presence in the eyes of the other. If you absent yourself too early, you may be forgotten. But once emotions are engaged, absence inflames and excites.

Giving no reason for your absence excites even more: The other person assumes he or she is at fault. While you are away, their imagination takes flight, and a stimulated imagination cannot help but make interest grow stronger.

Conversely, when you become too present, too accessible, leaving no room for the imagination, the more you pursue, the less they want you.

What withdraws, what becomes scarce, suddenly seems to deserve respect and honor. What stays too long, inundating with its presence, makes you disdain it.

“Absence diminishes minor passions and inflames great ones, as the wind douses a candle and fans a fire.” –  La Rochefoucauld, 1613-1680

The need to withdraw only comes after you have established your presence prominently – leave too early and you do not increase your respect, you are simply forgotten. 

When you are first entering onto the world’s stage, create an image that is recognisable, and is seen everywhere. Until that status is attained, absence is dangerous, instead of fanning the flames, it will extinguish them.